mistee's blog

I've been having these moments.

I wake up in the morning and I forget. My life is what it once was, there is no evil lurking at my door. The rug is not about to be swept from under my feet. All is the same as it has always been. And then I remember that everything is different. My life is not the same.

Since I found out, I've been avoiding it. It is so easy to lie to myself. I told myself wait for all the results and then deal. Because there is nothing I can do about it. And there still is nothing I can do about it. But since learning that he will die from this, I found it's been harder to lie to myself. And the moments are more frequent.

I used to have them only when I woke up and then the dark cloud would follow me everywhere. I could smile through it. I could be me, just a little sadder... now I find I get happy for a moment, laugh at a joke and then I remember and it's like the world is crumbling around me.

He's not going to get better.
I can't lie and say it's a possibility.
It's in him and it won't go away.
And then he will die because it is there.

I just talked to one of my cool cousins. One of the ones that has always let me be me and even if he does still look at me like I'm 4 years old, he always has understood that sometimes there are no words or anything to make anyone feel better. He said very little, it was his dad who had died just under two years ago of cancer. So he knows what we are going through. But his few words, his statement of "I'm here if you need me 24/7" was probably one of the most reassuring things I've heard in a while.

Okay, so this is a hard one for me. In part because I don't know if I have the guts to be more honest with myself here than I do in my head. I keep pushing my real feelings away from me. My dad has cancer... there it's out there for all the world to know. I cried about it for the first time three days ago, after almost three weeks of knowing. Before that I was just waiting. My eyes would get teary but never full on tears. The same thing kind of happened after my uncle passed... it took a while for the tears to come. But I had way more relief when they came than I did this time. It was also a one time thing, I'm sure it will hit me again at some point.

I know I'm angry but that anger makes me feel guilty. I don't know what to do with it. I'm so pissed at him. He's the one who has never owned up to his own behaviour. He always takes the easy way out. Reaching for a beer and cigarette. And even after his heart attack he continued with this behaviour. He had a second chance to make things right but he's ignoring it. He's given up... and this time it's worse. How the hell am I ....or my mum or sister or anyone else supposed to convince a 60 year old man so suck it up and be a man and deal with it? Don't ignore it! And he had barely acknowledged at anything is wrong. He is so close to losing us all and he doesn't care... so why should I? And there lies the guilt... or at leas the part of it that I am willing to admit to out loud.

I've kept myself busy, ignoring a lot of what I'm feeling because I'm at home and I don't want to take my anger out on my family. There are some friends who I've turned to for distraction... most don't know what's going on with me though. So you now all officially have permission to let it flow through the grape vine, so I won't have to have awkward conversations announcing it. That's the other reason I'm writing this is so you all know and let it flow through the group.

On the note of awkward conversations. I finally had to field one of the family phone calls, and the least likely person hit the situation right on the head and I didn't know what to say. Her words of comfort were not really comforting, but hard hitting simply because it was honest... for once an honest response from her. But I couldn't comfort her any more than she could comfort me. And it didn't help that I was on the phone and she couldn't see my head nodding in agreement, probably making things more awkward.

This is an assignment I did for one of my classes. The pacing at the end is a little funky, but It was screw up the pacing or lose %5 for every second I was short. I am still very proud of this piece so check out my homage to 24. 

24:Toronto

I'm going to try writing in this more. I've been live journaling and facebooking a lost and I miss the aninimity of getting my thoughts out there.

I feel like I am finally at that place I've been racing too for so long. I have shed the last of my teenage angst. It took a while to end the bitterness I felt towards the world. The self loathing and most of the self deprecating me is gone. A lot has changed over the last year. I finally stepped out to reach a goal, and made progress. The new school I am in is great. I did it all for me, not my parents, teachers or friends, but for me. I wanted this, and I took the chance and I got it. It is really rewarding. Once that fell into place my confidence rose to where it once was. I feel like the future is no longer a dark, abyss waiting for me, but something I can control. It feels great. It took a while to reach my stride, but I am here. And I can and will succeed in this business.

The other major change in my life made me deal with mortality. That shook me up and helped me quit my dilly dallying.  Life IS too short to spend it wondering what the next step is. Sometimes you need to take a giant leap, go for broke and let things happen. If I don't get a job in my field I suspect I will go for broke and blow any money I have left after school traveling. I love it too much to give up. I am a wonderer. There is so much to see, and I don't want to regret never seeing.

I feel really good about where I am and the people I have in my life. I know who my friends are, and I love them dearly. I know who I can depend on. And that is a special feeling. One I haven't felt in a long time.

How have people mispronounced your name?  How is it supposed to sound? 
Submitted by Lorie.   

OMG! story of my life. my freind and I have started a support group. My name is Tyana (tee-anna) I have gotten everything from Ty-ana, Tiona, Tina, Tanya, Tonya, Diana and my favorite Taya. 

The war is coming to the end.
The final battle has taken it's toll
It's time for the end
It is going to be messy
But it's time

I fought the war and the war won

Have you ever seen a deflated watermelon?

Please note these photos have not been edited in anyway. My friend thought they were. This was sitting in my  sink until yesterday morning.

so this is the aftermath. I went home and moved it a little to get a better shot and all of the watermelon guts came out.

Project 1 - September 2006 005

What is your current computer desktop image? Let's see it!

It was:

Desktop4_1600x1200

Stabilo is love<3 but I finally went to the Spideman 3 website  and now it is:

Sm3_wp3_1024x768

Because I'm a geek who can't wait for Spideman!

I am reading Inside Out: Straight Talk from a Gay Jock by Mark Tewksbury. So it clearly states the book title on the cover. So I was on the bus. And I hate the bus on Friday nights because all the teeny-bopper types are on and they can be pushy and annoying (most not all any way). So there was only one group of teenies on the bus and they sat next to me. I had my head phones on and was listening to my music as I read my book. Like I do every night. So eventually I hear some hushed whispers and one girl is contorting her head to read my title. And then she lunges over her friend in the middle and starts whispering. turning back to look at my book, look at me and then whisper again. This happens a couple of times. Across from me later in the ride a woman stares at me, at my book. It's like she is burning through the pages with hate. Both the teenies and this woman&nbsp;are staring at me like that. There are few times in my life that I have been stared at like that. And every time there is blatant racism going on. I could feel hate being poured at me. It's hard to describe. Because there is staring, and then there is THIS.&nbsp; And unless you have experienced it, you don't know. Incidentally both the group and the woman are&nbsp;visible minorities, two (different races). As I pulled on the cord for my stop I (being the klutz that I am) I hit my head, not very noticeably. But I did. I looked up and saw the woman across from me. That was hate. The last time I was looked at like that, sadly wasn't very long ago. It was after the arrests on suspected terrorists in Mississauga (where I live). I like to think that we live in an open society. But it's not true. This is the first time I've felt persecuted for something other than the colour of my skin. The crazy thing is I'm not gay (not that it matters). I am just reading a book. I've been reading it for a few days now. No one on any other ride has stared at me. I was just reading a book. I was hated.